Waiting to be Found Out

WAITING TO BE FOUND OUT (STILL) !!

Associate Professor - Dave Barton Ph.D. M.Phil., B.Ed,. Dip. N., R.N.T., R.G.N.

About fifteen years ago I was asked to write a simple article on my experiences of Post-Graduate studentship.  In 2005, five years later, I was then asked to provide a short account of my success with my Ph.D. studies.  

All this reflection.....

Firstly, let me say that having a Ph.D. says nothing about the person.  After thirty-four years of nursing, I can firmly state that education does not correlate with how nice, or not, a person may be.  There are many well read academics that I would not share a pint with, and many who have less letters to their name who I would count as dear friends.  

Secondly, let me remind you of the story of the anxious professor that I told of all those years ago.  Apparently, this professor’s career had progressed by chance rather than by design.  As a young man, he had passed his O'Levels and then A'Levels with little distinction.  As an undergraduate, he muddled his way through his studies, never academically brilliant, but always just enough to get through.  Then as time passed he studied for his Masters degree, and again he managed to pass, not outstandingly, but nevertheless he passed.  Then there came his Ph.D and again to his surprise he succeeded. There was a progression of promotion, publication and success, and eventually he became a professor.  But this professor was haunted with the suspicion that, despite his apparent success, despite everyone else's belief in him, he knew he was in reality a complete fraud.  Surely someone, somewhere, who knew him better would come forward and let the world know that he was really only at the peak of his profession by mistake, and that waiting in the sidelines were the real professors.  I understand that he is still there to this day, justifiably regarded as an expert by all, and yet still waiting for the day that someone will 'find him out'.

I liked this story, partly because it was true, and partly because I can relate to the essence of its suggestion, that long-term education brings uncertainty rather than confidence.  At the time of the original article I was criticised for painting the wrong picture of Academic development.  But I stand by its essence, as even now the story mirrors the anxieties that I have as a result of my long career as a nurse, as a student, and as an academic.  Then, as now, instead of ever-higher qualifications increasing my confidence, I remain often uncertain and unsure of myself.

For example, there is a well-established law that states that we are all constantly moved forward to our maximum level of incompetence.  Just when you think you have got the hang of something and truly become good at it, they promote you.  Just when you think your there, high and dry, you look up to see the next hill to climb.  The worrying thing is that the more you climb, the more people think you are a good climber, instead of an idiot who doesn't know when to stop and might still yet fall.

Indulge me - let me bore you with some personal history as it may illuminate this personal perception of academic fraudulence that I, like the professor, have.  I became a student nurse in 1980, a most recent entry to the profession I am informed by some of my colleagues.  During those three years of student apprenticeship, I learnt the basics of my future career.  Looking back on those days I can remember having heated debates over the academic nature of nursing (you see nothing is new), personally standing steadfastly against those dreaming and isolated pinnacles of academia, so far removed from what I saw as the sharp edge of clinical nursing!  I regarded any nurse with a list of qualifications after their name with deep suspicion (in some ways I still do!).  Nursing, I would have said, was rooted in practice and tradition.  When you qualified as a Nurse, you were set to practice for life.  What amazes me now was that I was so confident in these opinions, that I was so sure about what was right and wrong.  Were did all that confidence go I wonder?

Well despite my strong and youthful opinion that perpetual study was against the grain of clinical practice I found that within two years of qualifying, I was a student on an ENB Intensive Care Course.  I rationalised that this was purely a means to an end - although it was apparent that I was unsure what that end was to be.  I continued to view academia in a dim light, particularly in regard of research in nursing, which was being mercilessly plugged by the profession.  Why, I thought, should nurses have to research that which we instinctively knew!  In spite of these ongoing misgivings within another year, I had started a three-year Diploma in Nursing - why - because it seemed a good thing to do, because I wanted promotion and because I was bored.  My reserve about research finally began to weaken ( I suspect because my brain finally began to work) and I found myself unwillingly becoming a supporter to many of the ideas that my teachers espoused.  However, as I felt clinically confident, I felt only slight anxiety that as a novice academic I was obviously at best bluffing, at worst a complete fake.

Life has a funny way of creeping up on you - suddenly I was out of clinical nursing and into nurse education.  Why - well the hours were better, the pay was certainly better and I guess I got lucky.  Despite my misgivings over my academic credibility (I had no doubts about my clinical credibility) it was clear that with enough front, and with a bit of playing the system, I could even bluff my way as a teacher - for how long I was unsure!

Then to my amazement, I found myself an undergraduate.  I muddled through and managed to pass although not with any great distinction.  This you might think would have been a good point at which to call it a day, but by now had the study bug badly.  On top of this I reasoned, education was changing and it was clear that if I wanted to retain the job (and privileges) to which I was rapidly becoming accustomed to, I was going to have to take another stab at this educational business and see if I could finally become competent at something.  Thus I plunged uncertainly (bluffing every inch of the way) into an M.Phil. and four years later completed it with only some degree of success.  Then madness gripped me and I registered for a Ph.D.  This was very nearly my nemesis!

Thus, you see, I have arrived in my present position somewhat by accident, not with any great distinction, and certainly not as a result of any grand life plan.

And now you can now see the difficulties I have when asked to answer questions on my ‘achievements’.  Indeed, those who have known me for a long time are still laughing that I ended up as a Head of a University Nursing Department - my Nurse Teachers all those years ago would have been dumbfounded. 

However, I did not wish this Blog to be some bland tale on academic success, as the real achievement for me, my greatest achievement, has been the opportunity to play a part in the development of future, capable healthcare professionals.