WAITING TO BE FOUND OUT (STILL) !!
Associate Professor - Dave Barton Ph.D.
M.Phil., B.Ed,. Dip. N., R.N.T., R.G.N.
About fifteen years ago I was asked to write a
simple article on my experiences of Post-Graduate studentship. In 2005, five years later, I was then asked to provide a
short account of my success with my Ph.D. studies.
All this reflection.....
Firstly, let me say that having a Ph.D. says
nothing about the person. After thirty-four years of nursing, I can firmly state that education does not
correlate with how nice, or not, a person may be. There are many well read academics that I
would not share a pint with, and many who have less letters to their name who I
would count as dear friends.
Secondly, let me remind you of the story of the anxious
professor that I told of all those years ago.
Apparently, this professor’s career had progressed by chance rather than
by design. As a young man, he had passed
his O'Levels and then A'Levels with little distinction. As an undergraduate, he muddled his way
through his studies, never academically brilliant, but always just enough to
get through. Then as time passed he
studied for his Masters degree, and again he managed to pass, not
outstandingly, but nevertheless he passed.
Then there came his Ph.D and again to his surprise he succeeded. There
was a progression of promotion, publication and success, and eventually he
became a professor. But this professor
was haunted with the suspicion that, despite his apparent success, despite
everyone else's belief in him, he knew he was in reality a complete fraud. Surely someone, somewhere, who knew him
better would come forward and let the world know that he was really only at the
peak of his profession by mistake, and that waiting in the sidelines were the
real professors. I understand that he is
still there to this day, justifiably regarded as an expert by all, and yet
still waiting for the day that someone will 'find him out'.
I liked this story, partly because it was
true, and partly because I can relate to the essence of its suggestion, that
long-term education brings uncertainty rather than confidence. At the time of the original article I was
criticised for painting the wrong picture of Academic development. But I stand by its essence, as even now the
story mirrors the anxieties that I have as a result of my long career as a
nurse, as a student, and as an academic.
Then, as now, instead of ever-higher qualifications increasing my
confidence, I remain often uncertain and unsure of myself.
For example, there is a well-established law that states
that we are all constantly moved forward to our maximum level of
incompetence. Just when you think you
have got the hang of something and truly become good at it, they promote
you. Just when you think your there,
high and dry, you look up to see the next hill to climb. The worrying thing is that the more you
climb, the more people think you are a good climber, instead of an idiot who
doesn't know when to stop and might still yet fall.
Indulge me - let me bore you with some personal history as
it may illuminate this personal perception of academic fraudulence that I, like
the professor, have. I became a student
nurse in 1980, a most recent entry to the profession I am informed by some of
my colleagues. During those three years
of student apprenticeship, I learnt the basics of my future career. Looking back on those days I can remember
having heated debates over the academic nature of nursing (you see nothing is
new), personally standing steadfastly against those dreaming and isolated
pinnacles of academia, so far removed from what I saw as the sharp edge of
clinical nursing! I regarded any nurse
with a list of qualifications after their name with deep suspicion (in some
ways I still do!). Nursing, I would have
said, was rooted in practice and tradition.
When you qualified as a Nurse, you were set to practice for life. What amazes me now was that I was so
confident in these opinions, that I was so sure about what was right and
wrong. Were did all that confidence go I
wonder?
Well despite my strong and youthful opinion that perpetual
study was against the grain of clinical practice I found that within two years
of qualifying, I was a student on an ENB Intensive Care Course. I rationalised that this was purely a means
to an end - although it was apparent that I was unsure what that end was to
be. I continued to view academia in a
dim light, particularly in regard of research in nursing, which was being
mercilessly plugged by the profession.
Why, I thought, should nurses have to research that which we
instinctively knew! In spite of these
ongoing misgivings within another year, I had started a three-year Diploma in Nursing - why - because it seemed a good thing to do, because I wanted
promotion and because I was bored. My
reserve about research finally began to weaken ( I suspect because my brain
finally began to work) and I found myself unwillingly becoming a supporter to
many of the ideas that my teachers espoused.
However, as I felt clinically confident, I felt only slight anxiety that
as a novice academic I was obviously at best bluffing, at worst a complete
fake.
Life has a funny way of creeping up on you - suddenly I was
out of clinical nursing and into nurse education. Why - well the hours were better, the pay was
certainly better and I guess I got lucky.
Despite my misgivings over my academic credibility (I had no doubts
about my clinical credibility) it was clear that with enough front, and with a
bit of playing the system, I could even bluff my way as a teacher - for how
long I was unsure!
Then to my amazement, I found myself an undergraduate. I muddled through and managed to pass
although not with any great distinction.
This you might think would have been a good point at which to call it a
day, but by now had the study bug badly.
On top of this I reasoned, education was changing and it was clear that
if I wanted to retain the job (and privileges) to which I was rapidly becoming
accustomed to, I was going to have to take another stab at this educational
business and see if I could finally become competent at something. Thus I plunged uncertainly (bluffing every
inch of the way) into an M.Phil. and four years later completed it with only some
degree of success. Then madness gripped
me and I registered for a Ph.D. This was
very nearly my nemesis!
Thus, you see, I have arrived in my present position somewhat by
accident, not with any great distinction, and certainly not as a result of any
grand life plan.
And now you can now see the difficulties I have when asked to
answer questions on my ‘achievements’. Indeed, those who have known me for a long time are still laughing that I ended up as a Head of a University Nursing Department - my Nurse Teachers all those years ago would have been dumbfounded.
However, I did
not wish this Blog to be some bland tale on academic success, as the real
achievement for me, my greatest achievement, has been the opportunity to play a part in the development of future, capable
healthcare professionals.
